Hi everyone, welcome back! Last week I examined how a handful of businesses around the world use insecurities of human beings to make money by dictating how 7 billion humans should live their lives! And in the process, I pointed out that these companies exploit a very basic human need which is to get validated or approved by another person. Therefore, this week, in celebration of this blog’s 1 year anniversary, I would like to examine this very basic need for validation and approval which every human has even the ones who deny having this need!
Belief: Unless other people validate me and approve of how I am and what I do and how I do it, I can’t feel that I am good enough or my life is good enough!
The need for approval or being liked or being validated by another human being is a very basic need that every human has, even the ones who deny that they don’t have this need :-). The only difference is that some people have this need far more than others. And when a human being falls in this category of wanting to be liked or approved or validated all the time or maybe most of the time; chances are this human is unable to somehow fulfill this need from within. And they lack this ability because they were never taught to love themselves, believe in themselves, praise themselves or care for themselves. As a result, they are constantly looking for that person who would do that on their behalf. They are constantly looking for that person to approve of what they are doing. They are constantly looking for that person to tell them how beautiful they really are. They are constantly looking for that person to tell them how amazingly successful they are. They are constantly looking for that person who can tell them how important they are to this world. They are constantly looking for that person to tell them how loving and caring they are. And again, I can go on and on and on…
So folks, have you ever wondered why is it that so many humans on this planet have this need to be approved or validated and therefore lack the very basic self-esteem. The kind of esteem that comes from within and which is why it is called “Self-esteem” in the first place and not “Others-esteem”. However, to me it looks like this entire world of humans seem to be running on “Others-esteem” instead of “Self-esteem” and therefore needing to feel good about themselves through other people. Have you ever wondered how and where and when is it that we get the idea that we need approval or validation from others to feel good about ourselves and our own life and as a result be happy? I have given it a lot of thought and here is my take on this need.
Have you ever noticed parents or caregivers interactions’ with very young kids? Have you noticed how each time the kid does something which parents or caregivers consider as ‘good’, they dish out all these ‘great job’ or ‘awesome job’ praises? But on the other hand when this same young kid does something wrong or behaves in a way which is not considered ‘good behavior’ by the parents or caregivers, they get angry or yell or punish the kid? So each time a kid is being praised for something or being punished for other things; because being praised feels good as opposed to being punished; this young kid starts creating a belief in his mind that in order to feel good and be happy he needs to make his parents or caregivers happy. And when the parents and caregivers are happy, they will approve of him or validate his behavior. And so over time, this young kid starts to live his life by ‘becoming happy’ once he has made others happy instead of the other way around. And this belief is reinforced each time the cycle of praising a kid or punishing a kid takes place. And over time, as this young kid gets older, he has already learned to rely on someone else to make him happy. He has already become dependent on other people to approve or validate his behavior. He has already started to need other people to believe in him so that he can believe in himself. He has already started to rely on other people to be told how good he is or beautiful he is or how smart he is or how loving or caring he is! This is how and where and when it all begins! The decline of the “Self-esteem” and the beginning of “Others-esteem”.
So, here is a different perspective on how to raise kids who would believe in themselves and love themselves and care for themselves and trust themselves. When a kid does something good, instead of telling them “good job”, why not ask them their opinion on how they think they did or what they think they could have done differently or how is it that they can do better. And if we ask them to think about themselves and their life this way, perhaps, they may learn to take ownership of their own happiness. They may learn to decide what is good vs. bad for them. They may come up with their own definitions of what is beautiful vs. what is not. They may learn to trust their own instincts instead of everyone else around them. They may learn to think for themselves. They may create their own original opinions and not just tag on to others’ opinions. They may just learn to become leaders and not just followers :-)…the possibilities seem limitless to me :-)!!
Folks, contrary to the popular belief, our kids are not extensions of us. They are individuals who have come to Earth through us, into our family to live their life and fulfill their purpose. They are not here to fulfill our purpose. Then why not treat them as individuals from the very beginning because once these kids become adults, it’s much harder to get their psyche reversed. Since you are reading this blog, chances are you already know what I am talking about :-)…..
Feel free to leave a comment if you feel like leaving one. And until next time, live life 🙂
