by Shikha Rastogi | Jun 24, 2017 | Beliefs, Perspective
Hi everyone, welcome back! Last week, I examined our beliefs around ‘rules’, what rules are and whether the existence of these rules help or hinder our lives here on Earth! This week, I would like to examine ‘fighting’ and understand if all the fighting that we do makes the world a better place or brings us the much elusive peace that we are searching for in this world!
Belief: I need to be fighting for my safety, my peace, my love, my life because if I don’t, I will neither be safe nor peaceful and maybe not even alive in this crazy world!
Anywhere I look, I come across people who appear to be fighting with something which they think is evil. They could be fighting their disease or fighting for peace or fighting for good or fighting to get justice or fighting to stop injustice or simply fighting wars to keep nations and communities safe! And often, people fight because they want to gain something good out of this fight, something that they think may otherwise not be achieved if it wasn’t for them fighting to achieve it. And as an end goal, they want to help themselves as well as others through this fight. Thus, a lot of times this kind of fighting is also called ‘the good fight’. And truthfully, all the fighting for this and that makes a lot of sense from the outside-in perspective since almost all humans desire a peaceful, healthy, happy and safe environment for themselves and their families and considering the state this world is in right now, all this fighting makes so much sense. But it makes sense until we look at this fighting from an inside-out perspective! Let’s examine.
Let’s first understand what fighting is and what our internal state looks like when we are in the ‘fight mode’. So, the dictionary definition of fighting is ‘displaying or engaging in violence, combat, or aggression’ and simply based on this definition and by using our own common sense, we can identify and relate to everything that our bodies and minds and hearts feel like when we are in this aggressive state of fighting. But let’s not rely only on our common sense to understand what it feels like when we are the ‘fighting mode’; lets close our eyes gently and try to imagine ‘a fight’ that you either fought in the past or are fighting this very moment! How does your body feel when you imagine yourself fighting? Does your body become tight and tense up? Does your mind start to create hundred thousand thoughts which are full of fear? Does your heart have that sinking feeling which tells you how hopeless the situation is? So, folks, if this is what it feels like to be in the ‘fighting mode’ even the ‘good’ one; how do you think anyone who is in this mode and who feels all the feelings that go along with this mode can create anything positive? How is it that we can create anything good from feeling the way they feel in this mode? Let’s look at this through an example.
Recently, I came across a ‘How to fight against bullying’ training for parents. Some “expert” who had experience in this field was apparently educating parents on what to do when their kids are being bullied by other kids at school! And when I saw that ad, the first thought I had was how on earth would any parent or their kid be taught to ‘fight’ against bullying or the bully themselves? Wouldn’t ‘fighting’ make an already bad situation worse? If you don’t quite understand, imagine this – imagine that you are that parent whose kid is being bullied and since you found out about this situation, you are angry and ready to fight. You are ready to fight with the parents of this kid for raising such a kid that goes around bullying other kids. You are ready to fight with the school staff that allowed something like this to happen to your kid. You are ready to fight with this kid himself for bullying your kid. So, when you are in this fighting mode and feeling all the feelings that go along with feeling this way, although, your fight is for ‘good’ and the outcome you desire is also positive; however, you may not be able to achieve that positive outcome in the long run. And you may not be able to achieve a long lasting positive outcome because even though you may be able to get the ‘bully’ suspended from school for a short while, you or anyone else didn’t do anything to change this bully’s behavior. Instead, you and the school and his parents who must have been mortified, just made sure this bully understood that he is a bad person which by the way only confirmed his already strongly held belief that he is a bad person and the reason he was bullying another kid in school is because he felt like a bad person already! So, instead of helping him with love and understanding and compassion, you and everyone else did what anyone would do when they are in the non-compassionate and fighting mode – declared him a bad person without even going deeper to understand why he was bullying! So, basically, you gave this bully confirmation and more reason to continue his behavior. On top of that, you also didn’t help the kid who was bullied. And you didn’t help him because instead of teaching him to stand up for himself so that this doesn’t happen to him in the future, you just made a victim out of him. And the thing about feeling like a victim is that you don’t feel empowered from inside but instead you feel like the world is a bad place and the people who live in it are bad! So, this kid just created a belief about this world and the people who live in it and will use this belief’s lens to view this entire world and the humans for the rest of his life or until he takes time to examine his belief and is ready to shift his perspective!
Folks, choosing compassion over fighting, love over fear, aggression over understanding is much harder, and digging deeper is even more painful, but the fact of life is that this is what is needed in this world on an individual as well as collective level especially when this world is already entrenched in wars and fights, hatred and aggression. Most people living in this world already feel like they are victims of something or someone and thus spend lifetimes living in fear and hatred. And people will continue to live in this whirlpool of emotions because of their own beliefs/thoughts/feelings until they realize that their feelings come from their own corrupt thinking which is created by the things they believe in! NO ONE and NO THING outside of them can make them feel anything if they don’t want to feel it! More on this next time.
If only we knew that the positive outcome we all so very mush desire is only one hug away! Its only one understanding away! Its only one compassion away! So, let’s try fight a little less and understand a little more!!
And as always, feel free to leave a comment if you feel like leaving one. And until next time, fight less 🙂
by Shikha Rastogi | Jun 23, 2017 | Beliefs, Perspective
Hi folks, welcome back! A couple of weeks ago I examined a new belief gaining popularity rapidly “A woman can have it all” and in the process pointed out how this belief could mean different things for different women and also why is it that more and more women are believing in this belief. This week, with all the personal as well as professional relationships that a human has to dance between all day long; I would like to examine that ‘thing’ that makes someone a good friend, a good parent, a good colleague etc
Every human being, from time to time has to deal with challenges as they go along their life journeys. That’s just part of living life here on Earth. However, being able to navigate through these challenges of life whether they are physical health related or money related or grieving the loss of someone close or failing at something or breaking up of a close relationship is what living is all about. But have you ever wondered why is it that some people are better able to navigate through these life challenges than others? Why is it that some people are able to stay mentally stronger than others while facing these challenges. Why is it that some people are able to recover faster than others who may be facing similar challenges? I have observed a lot with regards to how humans face challenging situations and here is what I have come to understand.
I have come to understand that the people who are better able to navigate through life’s toughest challenges somehow believe that they have what is needed to get them through these challenges. They believe that no matter what life throws at them, they are mentally and physically capable to deal with it. People like these just believe that they can! And sometimes they could have acquired these beliefs from the way they were raised by their parents. Other times they may have friends or family members who support them through their challenges and empower them into believing that they can. Few times however, people are just born with that kind of attitude. But majority of the times, like I pointed out above, most of us need someone to empower us from inside-out. We need people in our lives who give us their time and just listen instead of jumping to conclusions. We need people in our lives who believe in us and our capabilities and don’t just try to fix things for us or find solutions to our problems as soon as we begin defining those problems. We need people in our lives who are empathetic towards us without making us feel like we are weak and can’t face the challenge at hand. We want people in our lives who teach us how to face challenges and not face these challenges on our behalf instead. We want people in our lives who have faith in us and our abilities. We need people who can just be there for us no matter what the situation! These are the kinds of friends and family members we need in our lives. And when we have these kinds of family members or friends, we don’t need a lot help from psychiatrists or psychologists or spiritual gurus or teachers because we re-connect with a kind of confidence that comes from within. This kind of confidence makes us our own cheerleaders, our own best friends. And this is the kind of confidence we need as human beings to face any kind of challenge in life.
I know that most of us will probably agree that these are the kinds of friends or family members we all need but the reality is not many of us are lucky enough to have these kinds of friends or family members. Right? How many of us, instead of reaching out to our friends and family members just stay silent and seek other avenues like turning to spiritual teachers or gurus or maybe even psychologists or psychiatrists. And even though there is absolutely nothing wrong in seeking help either from spiritual gurus or teachers or even psychologists or psychiatrists but the reality is that you can’t get that warm feeling of someone’s presence around you unless they are physically with you. You can’t really hear someone’s voice talking directly to you unless you are face to face with them. You can’t hug or be hugged by someone who is inside your computer or phone or iPad. You can’t show them the darkness in your heart and the tears in your eyes without looking at the clock repeatedly and thinking about the money it’s going to cost you to show them all that! And in return they probably can’t give you what you really need at this time – the confidence to empower you and make you believe that somehow you can face the challenge at hand!
But folks, I want you to really look into your own hearts and ask yourself if you have ever been that kind of friend to anyone yourself, the one that you would like to have? Have you taken the time to just listen? Have you taken the time to not fix someone’s problems but empower them instead? And the reason I want you to ask yourself this question is because most times, even the greatest of friends tend to try to solve your problems for you because they can’t bear your pain. And although these friends have good intentions, they sometimes end up hurting you more in the process. Let me give you a very simple yet very profound example which can help you understand my point of view.
Let’s imagine you are raising kids and as a young kid yourself, your parents always came to your rescue whatever situation you may have been in. And since you were raised this way, that’s how you are raising your kids now. So now let’s now imagine that your kid just started preschool and is trying to adjust to the new environment, new teachers and new kids. Your kid is basically trying to learn the workings of this world now that he is around so many people. So now, let’s imagine that some days when you pick him up from school and when you ask him how his day at school was, he tells you about this kid in his class that pinched him or hit him or pushed him. And as a parent you take it upon yourself to go talk to the teacher about the kinds of things that are happening to your kid in his class. This kind of approach may be necessary sometimes however, most other times, by choosing this kind of approach, I believe you as a parent are missing out on a great opportunity to teach your kid how to stand up for themselves. You can use this opportunity to empower your kid into standing up for themselves by teaching your kid how to say no or how to reach out to the teacher when saying no to the kid who is doing the hitting or pushing or pinching doesn’t work. Even though your kid may be 3 or 4 years old, giving them the tools on how to protect themselves will go a very long way instead of jumping in to fix everything for them. And in the long run, imagine the kind of confidence this young kid will gain just by learning to speak up for themselves. And because you empowered him and gave him the confidence, he can now also be prepared to face those bullies in higher grades.
Folks, I really believe that the key to being a great friend is to use your influence in instilling confidence in the friend who needs you because that way when you are not available, they will still be able to reach into that pool of confidence and go on living.
And as always, feel free to leave a note if you feel like leaving one. And until next week, live life 🙂
by Shikha Rastogi | Jun 23, 2017 | Beliefs, Perspective
Hi everyone, welcome back! Two weeks ago I examined what are the qualities that made someone a good friend, a good parent, a good colleague etc. and in the process identified that it is human’s ability to make the other person believe that they have got it and that they can do it no matter what! This week, since so many of us, even though we may be in relationships with people, even though we may be surrounded by family and friends who support us, even though we may have already achieved all that we wanted to achieve so far in life, yet, we may still feel that there is something lacking in our lives! Therefore, this week, I would like to examine why is it that so many of us feel that we are not enough or we don’t have enough in our lives!
Belief: I have so many people and so many things in my life, yet, why do I always feel sad and lonely and look for something else that will make me happy!!
There are so many of us in this world who would like to have the relationships that someone else has. There are so many of us who would like to have the job titles that someone else has. There are so many humans in this world who would like to have the wealth someone else has. There are so many humans in this world who would like to have the physical looks that someone else has. There are so many humans in this world who would like to have the life that someone else has!! But then why is it that some of us who appear to have all that this world so very much desires are still not happy with what we already have? Why is it that some of us still want to have the looks of someone else? Why is it that some of us still want to have the bodies of someone else? Why is it that some of us still want to have the clothes that someone else has. Why is it that some of us still want to have the money that someone else has? Why is it that some of us still want the jobs that someone else has? Why is it that some of us still want the life that someone else has? Have you ever wondered why is it that we are never satisfied with what we already have? I have and this is what I have understood so far.
Remember how as a young kid in order to get us to do things, like eat our food or do our homework or make our bed etc., our parents would tell us that there is something better waiting for us if we do this or that. And that something better could have been anything depending on what it is that our very young minds considered to be better than doing what we were being asked to do at that time and of course it kept changing as we kept growing. And as parents we still continue to use this strategy with our own kids. And yes this strategy may get our kids’ attention sometimes and they may end up complying with your request in hopes of getting that to ‘something better’, but what this very innocent looking strategy does to our kids psyche is that it teaches them two things. One, there is always something better waiting to be achieved or gained or unveiled and two, all they need to do are these very unappealing chores or tasks or duties to get to the ‘better’ things. So basically whatever they are doing right now doesn’t matter much!! And over time, a belief is created in this young kids mind and that belief creates the thinking to keep working towards the better things, better grades, better clothes, pretty much better everything!! And this belief is reinforced again and again and again by all the comparisons to other kids, the grades they get and the accomplishments that they have and the careers that they have and the money that they make etc. All these comparisons teach the kids to chase that what others have. It teaches them to behave the way others behave. It teaches them to earn the money that others have. It teaches them to get the jobs that others have. It teaches them to basically have the life that others have! And this focus on pursuing ‘what others have’ creates a huge gap between what it is that we want in our own lives vs. chasing after what others have so that we can be called successful or pretty or intelligent! And because we lose our focus, we end up living the lives that we didn’t want but because we thought that we are always supposed to pursue ‘something better’, we end up with a life which may have lots of accomplishments or wealth or physical beauty, yet, we still feel completely lost and lonely and unhappy! And we feel the way we feel because our mind told us that we will never be accomplished until we have what others have. We will never be intelligent unless we choose the career path that others choose. We will never be beautiful unless we look like the beauties in the magazines or on screen. Bottom-line is, we will never be happy unless we live the way other live their lives.
Folks, the irony in living this way is that there will always be someone who you think will be better than you. There will always be someone who will be more intelligent than you. There will always be someone who will always be more accomplished than you. There will always be some who will be more beautiful than you. And here is an even funnier thing – people who you look at and consider to have better everything than yourself, they are also very busy looking at other people who they think are better than them. Hence, this cycle of feeling less than, having less than, being less than someone or something can never end and this is the very belief that keeps you from feeling the satisfaction with what you already have in your own life.
Folks, we have created this belief about life that there has to be something better than what you already have because what you have doesn’t look that amazing compared to what others may have. And that’s what prompts us to go in search of a ‘better job’, ‘better life partner’, better relationships’, ‘better home’, ‘better careers’, ‘better life’!! And of course there is nothing wrong with pursuing better anything, however, keep in mind that eventually finding that ‘better whatever’ won’t be the end of the search for ‘better’; the search will continue until the end of this life :-)!!
And as always, feel free to leave a comment if you feel like leaving one. Until next time, appreciate what you already have 🙂
by Shikha Rastogi | Jun 23, 2017 | Beliefs, Perspective
Hi everyone, welcome back! Three weeks ago, over a couple of posts, I examined self vs. other’s esteem and in the process also examined praise when it comes from other people and the role it plays in our lives. This week, I want to talk about tears and grief and sadness and would like to examine the role these feelings play in our lives. In the process, I would also like to examine whether it’s more important to feel these feelings for as long as you need to or should you just force yourself to be happy!
Belief: Feelings of sadness, despair, grief etc. should not be allowed to be felt for a long time otherwise it can lead to depression and other diseases!!
I have a very heavy heart as I write today’s post because a colleague of mine just got diagnosed with breast cancer and she is only in her early 40s! I got to know about her diagnosis a week ago and in talking with her extensively and observing over the years in general how people deal with illnesses or bad news, there is a common theme that I have uncovered where well-intention people including family members as well as friends advise you to ‘think positive’! Think your way to health or think your way out of sadness or grief! Although there is nothing wrong with ‘thinking positive’ because thinking positive is what gives us hope in an otherwise dire situation; however, if you are human and on the receiving end of something like an illness or death of a family member or ending of a close relationship etc., you by design, will find yourself in the middle of hopelessness, disbelief, despair, sadness, grief, guilt, fear!! And just by virtue of being human; if you don’t allow yourself to feel exactly what you are feeling at the moment and allow all those feelings to come out in the form of tears, you will not be able to make that journey from fear and hopelessness to thinking positive, to hope, to light, to health, to well-being, to love!! You will not be able to love again if your heart just got bruised! You will not be able to live again if your health just got challenged! You will not be able to believe again if your faith just got crushed! You will not be able to laugh again if the reason you smiled just got lost!
Folks, life of a human being was designed by this amazingly powerful Universe with a variety of emotions which comprise of both positive and negative hues. And when the Universe created all these range of emotions, I believe it intended that we would allow ourselves to feel all of them and not just the ones that we ‘feel like feeling’ because its only when you feel the negative as well as positive is when you allow yourself to live beautifully and richly! It is when you allow yourself to experience life. It is when you allow yourself to be human! However, very often, because it doesn’t feel good to feel the negative emotions, and on top of that, we feel like bad and/or weak people if we continue to feel these negative emotions and we feel so embarrassed for not having been gotten over them already; we just push them away by tricking our minds into believing that we are fine and can handle life and its situations until we really cannot! That’s when you start to feel very low or depressed. That’s when you feel even more hopeless and even more fearful than ever before. And at this point, it becomes even more difficult to feel all this fear and sadness because of its intensity! And that’s when you feel like there is nothing left to look forward to in your world and that’s when you start to give in and give up!
So, cry when you need to or maybe even want to because there is nothing wrong with grieving the loss of a parent who just departed. Because there is nothing wrong with crying over the loss of that beautiful relationship with the one you loved and now miss so deeply. Because there is nothing wrong with crying over the many failed attempts to bring a child to this world. Because there is nothing wrong with crying over the state this human race is in. Because there is nothing wrong with crying when you realize you may never have the life that you always dreamed of. Because there is nothing wrong with crying if you wish your childhood could have been different. Because there is nothing wrong with crying when you feel someone violated you or your space. Because there is nothing wrong with crying for not being able to meet other’s expectations no matter how hard you tried. Because there is nothing wrong in crying when others have so much of what you have desired all along. Because there is nothing wrong with crying when you just feel sad and low for no good reason. BECAUSE when you are done crying, you will see more clearly. You will see more clearly because all the sadness and anger and guilt and jealousy and fear would have been washed away. The only thing that would remain is you and your life at this very moment of time! And in that moment, you will have a choice – whether to feel pity for yourself for failing or to gather all your courage and go after your dreams again. Whether to focus on what you don’t have or try very hard to find things that you are grateful for in this moment. Whether to give up on love or to risk opening your heart for another and love like you have never loved anyone like that before. Whether to stay mad at your body for being so sick each day or to thank it for supporting you all these years that you have walked on Earth. Whether to live and laugh and love or just stay on the sidelines watching others live your life!!
And as always, feel free to leave a comment if you feel like leaving one. Until next time, cry a little 🙂
by Shikha Rastogi | Jun 23, 2017 | Beliefs, Perspective
Hi everyone, welcome back! Last week I examined how a handful of businesses around the world use insecurities of human beings to make money by dictating how 7 billion humans should live their lives! And in the process, I pointed out that these companies exploit a very basic human need which is to get validated or approved by another person. Therefore, this week, in celebration of this blog’s 1 year anniversary, I would like to examine this very basic need for validation and approval which every human has even the ones who deny having this need!
Belief: Unless other people validate me and approve of how I am and what I do and how I do it, I can’t feel that I am good enough or my life is good enough!
The need for approval or being liked or being validated by another human being is a very basic need that every human has, even the ones who deny that they don’t have this need :-). The only difference is that some people have this need far more than others. And when a human being falls in this category of wanting to be liked or approved or validated all the time or maybe most of the time; chances are this human is unable to somehow fulfill this need from within. And they lack this ability because they were never taught to love themselves, believe in themselves, praise themselves or care for themselves. As a result, they are constantly looking for that person who would do that on their behalf. They are constantly looking for that person to approve of what they are doing. They are constantly looking for that person to tell them how beautiful they really are. They are constantly looking for that person to tell them how amazingly successful they are. They are constantly looking for that person who can tell them how important they are to this world. They are constantly looking for that person to tell them how loving and caring they are. And again, I can go on and on and on…
So folks, have you ever wondered why is it that so many humans on this planet have this need to be approved or validated and therefore lack the very basic self-esteem. The kind of esteem that comes from within and which is why it is called “Self-esteem” in the first place and not “Others-esteem”. However, to me it looks like this entire world of humans seem to be running on “Others-esteem” instead of “Self-esteem” and therefore needing to feel good about themselves through other people. Have you ever wondered how and where and when is it that we get the idea that we need approval or validation from others to feel good about ourselves and our own life and as a result be happy? I have given it a lot of thought and here is my take on this need.
Have you ever noticed parents or caregivers interactions’ with very young kids? Have you noticed how each time the kid does something which parents or caregivers consider as ‘good’, they dish out all these ‘great job’ or ‘awesome job’ praises? But on the other hand when this same young kid does something wrong or behaves in a way which is not considered ‘good behavior’ by the parents or caregivers, they get angry or yell or punish the kid? So each time a kid is being praised for something or being punished for other things; because being praised feels good as opposed to being punished; this young kid starts creating a belief in his mind that in order to feel good and be happy he needs to make his parents or caregivers happy. And when the parents and caregivers are happy, they will approve of him or validate his behavior. And so over time, this young kid starts to live his life by ‘becoming happy’ once he has made others happy instead of the other way around. And this belief is reinforced each time the cycle of praising a kid or punishing a kid takes place. And over time, as this young kid gets older, he has already learned to rely on someone else to make him happy. He has already become dependent on other people to approve or validate his behavior. He has already started to need other people to believe in him so that he can believe in himself. He has already started to rely on other people to be told how good he is or beautiful he is or how smart he is or how loving or caring he is! This is how and where and when it all begins! The decline of the “Self-esteem” and the beginning of “Others-esteem”.
So, here is a different perspective on how to raise kids who would believe in themselves and love themselves and care for themselves and trust themselves. When a kid does something good, instead of telling them “good job”, why not ask them their opinion on how they think they did or what they think they could have done differently or how is it that they can do better. And if we ask them to think about themselves and their life this way, perhaps, they may learn to take ownership of their own happiness. They may learn to decide what is good vs. bad for them. They may come up with their own definitions of what is beautiful vs. what is not. They may learn to trust their own instincts instead of everyone else around them. They may learn to think for themselves. They may create their own original opinions and not just tag on to others’ opinions. They may just learn to become leaders and not just followers :-)…the possibilities seem limitless to me :-)!!
Folks, contrary to the popular belief, our kids are not extensions of us. They are individuals who have come to Earth through us, into our family to live their life and fulfill their purpose. They are not here to fulfill our purpose. Then why not treat them as individuals from the very beginning because once these kids become adults, it’s much harder to get their psyche reversed. Since you are reading this blog, chances are you already know what I am talking about :-)…..
Feel free to leave a comment if you feel like leaving one. And until next time, live life 🙂
