Hi everyone, welcome back! Last week I examined human beings very basic need for validation and approval from other people and in the process pointed out that we need to learn to validate and approve ourselves if we want to live a life which is our own. This week, I would like to continue this topic and examine what do we do when we are praised by someone else and the role this kind of praise plays in our lives since we are the ones who are supposed to approve and validate ourselves.
Belief: Since I am supposed to validate or approve myself, I should totally try to forget or ignore or deny when someone praises me or my work or my life.
So, before I get started, I would like to thank Sylwia who posted a very thoughtful comment on my last blog post!! Since there was no way to respond to your comment, I chose to write this week’s post having been inspired from your thoughtful comment. I hope you get a chance to read it!
Oh, isn’t human mind a piece of work :-)! It has layers and layers and layers of conditioning or beliefs and when you start to peel one layer off, there is one more that you see and then one more and one more…So, if you read my last post and if you are one of those people who were left wondering, if each one of us is supposed to approve and validate ourselves then is praising others or being praised by others a bad thing or is it even necessary? What should you do when you receive that praise? Should you ignore it? Should you deny it? Should you tell the other person that you don’t need their approval? To answer these questions, let’s first examine praise, what praise is and what role does it play in our lives.
One of the literal meanings of the word ‘praise’ is to approve someone or something or to admire it. Thus, when you praise another person, you may praise them for something they did which met your expectations. Or, you may praise them for the way they look because you may find that look appealing. Or, you may praise them for the way they live their life because you may like that way of life. Or, you may praise them for their achievements because that’s what you would like to achieve in your own life. Or, you may praise them for their successes because that’s how you define success in your own life. And of course, there are numerous other reasons that you may praise someone or something. But basically, praise is a very powerful way to add to someone’s confidence or self-esteem which allows them to feel good about themselves and who they are and what they do. And a lot of times, praise also acts as a big motivator which allows people to do more of what they are being praised for or to become more of that person that everyone keeps admiring.
But have you ever wondered why is it that most people think praise needs to come from other people, from outside? Why is it that we can’t praise ourselves even though we are the ones who know in our hearts what our true potential is and how we measure up based on that potential? I know, some of you may be cringing as you read this sentence and that is exactly what my last week’s post was all about! So, before you cringe any further, lets try to understand why does praise or approval need to come from our own self through an example. Let’s imagine you are someone who has a low self-esteem and you are highly dependent upon other people (other’s-esteem) to tell you how good you are or how beautiful you are or what an amazing job you do etc. Let’s also imagine that you work in a corporation where you are lucky to have a boss who constantly gives you that approval so that you can do your best work. But then one day that boss of yours decides to retire and you end up with a boss whose style does not include praising his employees and it’s the last thing on his mind when he interacts with his employees. So, after the boss change, even though you continue to produce the same quality of work and continue to do your best like you used to do before; suddenly, you will find yourself hitting rock bottom with regards to your self-esteem and confidence. You will begin to question your own performance and the work that you do although nothing really changed with you or within you! All that changed was your boss and thus your access to “Other’s-esteem”. And because “Other’s-esteem” is not available to you anymore, you don’t feel good about your work or your performance. And because you doubt yourself and the quality of your work, you won’t feel good about yourself anymore! On top of that, since you were accustomed to a boss who used to approve of you all the time, you will expect your new boss to do the same for you but because he doesn’t, you will feel very frustrated that he does not meet your expectations. And this is exactly what happens when anyone is too dependent upon others to make them feel good about themselves!
So now, let’s look at this example from another perspective – a perspective of high self-esteem. Let’s imagine that you are someone who although appreciates and is grateful for every praise that is sent your way, also knows yourself better than anyone else can ever know you! You know your worth and trust the quality of work that you produce. In short, you are someone who has a high level of self-esteem! So, when you go through this boss change, since you already feel good about yourself and trust your work, you will recognize and acknowledge that this new boss is different from your old boss and therefore will not expect your new boss to approve your work. Instead, you will continue to produce the work that you had been producing before and thus continue to do your best like before! Hence, this change of boss will not change your worth or how you feel about yourself and your work!!
And folks, isn’t this the reality of life? Don’t you already know someone who has immersed you in praises about one thing but totally criticized you for another thing? Or someone else who loved you one moment but the next moment in a rage of anger, is responsible for domestic violence? Someone who married you for your beauty but is now jealous of the same beauty? Someone who left you for another woman even though you were his life before this woman? And in all these instances, if you are still the same person with the same heart and soul, ask yourself, why would you even depend on someone else to decide your worth if your worth in their eyes fluctuates based on their own thinking? Can’t you decide it for yourself? Why would you depend on someone else to tell you how beautiful you are if your beauty in their minds is dependent on how good you make them feel about themselves? Can’t you see for yourself when you look in the mirror? Why would you depend on someone else to tell you how loving and kind you are? Can’t you already feel that you are kind and loving inside your own heart? Why would you depend on someone to tell you what you are capable of? Don’t you already know that deep down in your own heart?
But folks, that’s exactly what we do all the time when we post our best pictures on social media so that people can see it and confirm that we are beautiful! Or when we announce our achievements or successes or vacations or charities to the entire world! If you confess or not, in doing so, we are seeking attention and want approval and validations! That’s why we do what we do and the existence of social media has in fact increased our need for approval and validation and has made us even more dependent on others to feel good about ourselves!
Folks, there is absolutely nothing wrong with praising someone or getting praised by someone as long as you remember that this is “Other’s-esteem” and because this kind of esteem comes from other people, it will change depending on how these others feel about themselves or how they feel about their own life or what their own state of mind is at any given time etc.! And when you know that and remember that and live from that knowing, you have no choice but to build your own esteem – “self-esteem” because the simple truth is, we are all the same! We are all children of God or Universe and no one is better than anyone even though you may think you are just because you are rich, or beautiful, or accomplished, or have too many degrees, or earn millions of dollars, or do great charitable work, or hold an amazing title! We are all absolutely awesome!! So, try to learn to approve and validate yourself first and once you begin to do that for yourself, notice how easily others will do the same for you :-)…Its worth a try because this your own life and you are responsible for it…no one else!
Feel free to leave a comment if you feel like leaving one. Until next time, build more self-esteem 🙂
